How can I support my child's piano journey?
Irina Gorin, a well-known piano pedagogue, once said (I’m paraphrasing) that a child’s musical success is like a bird with two wings: one wing that is the teacher, and the other that is the parent. If either one of the wings is weak or missing, the bird will not fly. So the role of the parent—and more broadly, the overall home and family environment—is at least as important as the role of the teacher in a student’s musical education.
But what is the role that the parent should play? What should you do and how, and are there common pitfalls to avoid? I’m sure many different answers are possible, but I will share some broad observations based on my own journey of 30+ years, and what I have seen work and not work for myself, my peers, and my students.
Supporting
First and foremost, the role of the parent is to provide adequate support for the child’s studies. This includes obvious material and logistical support such as arranging for lessons, providing rides, getting books and materials on time, and procuring a reasonably good instrument within an affordable range. It also includes setting up a good physical environment for the child’s home practice, free of distractions and noise as much as possible.
Support also comes in the form of helping the child establish a good work ethic and a consistent routine that includes regular piano practice. Children, especially the younger they are, will not likely practice on their own, even if they enjoy the lessons themselves. Just like training them to brush their teeth and eat their vegetables, it takes consistent attention and creativity on the parent’s part to integrate piano practice into the child’s daily life. Some tips here:
Piggyback on existing routine or habits—do piano practice right after breakfast every day or right after homework for school, etc.
Set a good example. When children see their parents keeping a consistent routine, working hard, and taking their commitments seriously (including spending time with them!), they are more likely to do so themselves.
A reward system—such as giving a sticker for each day of practice—can be effective, but it shouldn’t be overused. Ideally, the student should grow out of it once the habit is established, and shouldn’t rely on it as the only source of motivation for their practice.
Don’t micromanage the practice. Help set up a good environment and routine for practice, and remind them to follow the instructions of the teacher (usually in the form of an assignment sheet or notes), but also leave room for mistakes, exploration, and free play.
Finally, support can also mean mentally and emotionally supporting the child: encouraging them, believing in them, and paying attention to what they are practicing, what they are enjoying, what inspires them, etc. Avoid judgment, criticism, and disapproval, and help them feel like they have a stable, safe, and welcoming home (physically and emotionally) to come back to. When they have conflicts with parents or they feel unsupported or inadequate, children often have a hard time focusing on learning.
Anecdote: I still remember when my mom would stand by me to listen to the pieces I was practicing. She would sometimes sing along to my Sonatina and turn the pages for me for the longer pieces. I felt that she appreciated and cared about what I was doing, and it motivated me to practice so that I could play the pieces for her without hiccups. Other times, I would try to play songs I heard in commercials or movies and cobble up my own version to proudly show to my parents. They were very encouraging no matter what I played, and were never overly judgmental or intrusive about my practice. Love and appreciation was the basis of it, rather than trying to make me “improve” or do something “productive.” There might have been a few instances of frustration and conflict, but they never said things like, “That was bad,” “You need to work harder,” “Don’t waste time,” “I’m wasting money on you,” or “So-and-so plays better than you.” This, unfortunately, happens too often, and is very discouraging to the child and harmful for the parent-child relationship. There are many students who grow up hating piano and resenting their parents because of experiences like these. Just imagine if your boss came to you and said these things about your performance. Wouldn’t you get discouraged and resentful, too?
Trusting
If supporting is an active way to engage with a child’s musical study, trusting is a form of non-doing that is nonetheless equally important. Broadly, it means trusting the process or the journey to unfold in its own time and keeping a patient, long-term perspective of what is truly important. More specifically, it can come in two different forms:
Trusting the teacher
Trusting the child
It’s important to vet the teacher, of course, and make sure you are on board with their philosophy and teaching style. Once you select the teacher, though, it is best to trust their expertise and judgment, even if you are not seeing the results you expected right away. A good, respectful relationship between the teacher and the parent is essential for the student to learn in a stable manner (remember the two wings of the bird!). Asking questions to clarify the teacher’s instruction can be helpful and sometimes necessary, but excessive questioning, raising of doubts, and dictating of the child’s curriculum and practice is both frustrating to the teacher and confusing to the child, who might feel like they are receiving conflicting messages.
Anecdote: Around 3rd or 4th grade, I switched to a new piano teacher because my previous teacher was taking some time off. My new teacher, instead of moving me along to the “next level” book as was expected, had me redo the entire book from the beginning again. My mom was a bit concerned about this and asked the teacher if I was falling behind. The teacher said, “Don’t worry, Mrs. Hwang—the level numbers don’t really mean anything. It’s more important that she plays each piece with precision and mastery before moving onto the next.” She had higher standards and demanded a lot more from me for each piece, and it wasn’t about how fast I got through the book. After two years with her, my playing had improved so much that, when I went back to the old teacher she was shocked! If we had been overly concerned about the “levels” and hadn’t respected the teacher’s judgment and approach, I probably wouldn’t be enjoying the fruits of this period of intensive growth.
Trusting the child, to me, means:
Knowing that every child has an innate desire to learn and better themselves. If they seem unmotivated or are not practicing, progressing, or wanting to go to lessons, there could be many reasons behind it, both related and unrelated to piano. It could also be a temporary phase, as it was for me at one time. It is important to try to understand the reason and address it together with the child (without trying to “fix” them), and for this, cultivating a mutually trusting relationship in everyday life is crucial.
Giving them the space and time to explore, make mistakes, and grow, without hurrying them or pushing them toward a preconceived goal or timeline (for example, for a level of exam that they’re not ready for)
Not defining their future for them, but encouraging them to dream and pursue their own goals. We have a certain idea of what “success in piano” looks like: perhaps a child prodigy, or a rising YouTube star, playing epic pieces and impressing everyone, winning competitions, acing exams, getting into Juilliard, playing at Carnegie Hall, and getting national or even international recognition. Some of these might be worthy goals, but they shouldn’t become the mold that we try to fit every child into or compare them against. Real, long-term, healthy “success” comes from a true love of music and the desire and ability to share it with others, which are the main things that should be cultivated in a student.
Enjoying
Music is all about joy. Even with sad music, we take joy in its beauty and expressiveness. Music literally moves us and touches our heart. Music is also a universal human language and, I believe, a birthright of every human being. The more music is a part of the family’s daily life, the more easily the child absorbs and learns music. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the parent has to play an instrument, although that is often helpful. It could just mean that they enjoy listening to music, going to concerts, and/or learning about music and artists.
If you are currently not doing any of these things, it’s easy to get started. You may feel a bit lost at first, but I suggest starting with something that appeals to you, like a song from childhood or something you heard in a movie, and just searching for it on Spotify or YouTube. Put on some background music in the house throughout the day, or have an impromptu dance party with your kids! The key is to have organic and enjoyable musical experiences together. You can also look into concerts at local community centers, concert halls, churches, schools, festivals, etc. and take your whole family out for a nice evening out. It could be a great bonding experience, too. Don’t try too hard to make it “educational,” but just enjoy it, appreciate it, and connect with each other over it, as music is meant to be used for.
Anecdote: I remember many car rides from my childhood where we listened to CDs. There was one in particular, the original soundtracks from the movie Shine, that my brother and I really enjoyed. The movie depicted the life of a Jewish pianist, and my family and I got introduced to a lot of great classical pieces through it, like Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No.3 and Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody No.2. We listened to it so many times that the CD started skipping during one of the tracks, and we came to memorize that track with the exact timing of the skipping and all. No matter how many times we listen to it, we would always hold our breath during the intense climax, and look at each other in satisfaction when the really good parts came. Music, especially when shared with others, can leave very strong impressions on a child’s mind, and I believe, can have many positive influences on their overall emotional, cognitive, and social development.
I hope that it gives you some ideas on how to support your child’s piano journey. The journey doesn’t happen in isolation, at the 30-minute piano lesson at the teacher’s house once a week. It unfolds over a long time on an interwoven fabric of home, teacher, school, and community. The more inspiring and supportive these places are, the more your child will thrive.